I am constantly asking myself if I’m doing things right especially for other people. I told myself that it’s okay to make mistakes, but I’m just too afraid of being wrong. Though I realize being wrong is part of experiencing life and mistakes are part of growing. But perhaps, since my subconscious associates mistakes as failure and being wrong as being a bad person within which engrave shame, I avoid making mistakes at all cost to avoid feeling ashamed. I can’t stand feeling ashamed. It hurts my pride and it makes me feel my whole existence is wrong. Even more so when I am younger. That’s why I try so hard to present my ‘best self’ in front of people.
The moment I am faced with something I hate or uncomfortable with, I would get triggered. I don’t know how to communicate those feelings, so what I do is get silent or walk away. For example, If my boyfriend says something I really hate, instead of telling him off, I will smirk or get sullen. I think argue will be better. It looks ugly but it will not damage people’s emotions like if you silent-treatment them. I know I don’t mean to punish him. But at that moment, I thought by being silent the uncomfortable feeling will dissipate and everything will be back to normal. Though I still passive-aggressively show him that I hate his attitude because no matter how much I wat to act normal as nothing happened, I can’t deny my own feeling.
What I do is unhealthy both for me and him. Unhealthy for me because I would bottle up my feelings. Unhealthy for him because I would probably make him feel bad about himself. I do understand where I come from though. At home, If I express dislike or disagreement about something, I would usually offend my mother and that would make me feel bad and guilty afterwards. I am used to agreeing with everything. I always try to adjust because that’s how I can live peacefully and in harmony with everybody. I rarely show what I really think about people. Even though lately I’ve been thinking, If I would still hurt people by being nice, shouldn’t I just be honest in the first place?
It is hard to unlearn what you have learned your whole life. But I have decided that I will learn to be more honest about my feelings. Started with my boyfriend. However, every time I try being honest and direct about what I feel, I would worry if I am too blunt or complain too much or hurt his feelings.
I used to think that I am an honest person. I am honest, but I also hide too many things for the sake of “looking right”. It all started from wanting to be considerate of others, from wanting to be a good friend, colleague, daughter, girlfriend; but it ends up for fear of not being accepted and loved. By the end of the day, all we truly seek is acceptance and love. But the real question is, how could I truly be accepted and loved if I am hiding who I am?