I was probably between 14–15 years old (or even younger) when I wrote in my diary that I feel like life presented me with this tangled thread and I need to untangled it but I don’t know how. Life doesn’t teach me how. Then as I get older the question continued: what does God want from me?
I’ve always felt so loss and directionless ever since I remember. Now I am afraid that deep down I believe nothing in my life is worth living for. Because whatever I do feels pointless and worse, wrong. Even when I try doing something that I want.
I begin to understand the psychology behind it and its connection with my childhood upbringing. With that knowledge, I try to be patient with myself while trying to find myself again. It seems like a long way to go. I often feel frustrated since all I can see is chaos and my messy life.
Recently I quit my job because I feel unhappy. Happiness is not what I seek, but I wish to do something that can feed my soul. I envy people who’s passionate and put their heart into what they’re doing. In that job, not only I felt unfulfilled, I was constantly reminded of how useless I am, haunted by guilt because I was there but my soul wasn’t. I feel dry and empty, and my confidence hit another rock bottom, although I’ve never been a confident person to begin with. Maybe it’s not the job, it’s just me who is in a very vulnerable state, mentally and emotionally. But I quit in hope to find a place where I truly want to be and change my life.
The day I finally left my job, I felt excited. I really looked forward to my plans and my future. But after a week, reality hit me and I started to panic. What do I do without a job that can hold me safe? Fears creep in and I am helpless in front of uncertainty. Did I make the right decision? Am I being irresponsible by quitting? I can’t seem to settle my mind that has turned into a murky water. I pray a lot, scared that I’ll screw my life and fall deep into the dark. Then I realised, every time I pray for myself, I never really believe it. That’s why I rarely pray.
I am aware that only thinking won’t solve my problem nor take me somewhere. Life needs to be lived, to be experienced. Live a seemingly messy life is probably better than hiding because of fears. While I need to acknowledge my internal struggle and stop trying to hush it, I need to take full responsibility of my life. I can’t keep asking God or my parents or anyone what they want from me or what I should do.
Though life is probably meaningless, I still want to find the meaning of my existence. Sometimes I would think to myself that I will finally find the answer the day I die or when I am close to dying. But I can’t possibly wait for that time to come to live my life, no?
