Once, I came across this movie called Hillary and Jackie. The movie was based on a story about Hillary and Jacqueline du Pre, two sisters who were both musician. Jackie in particular was a renown cellist and arguably one of the greatest of all time despite only having a short career because of multiple sclerosis that she suffered. In one of the scenes, Jackie told Hillary she wanted to quit cello. Then Hillary said, “What would you do? You only know cello, just like I only know flute”. It’s not the first time I heard that kind of statement from a movie. But every time, it hits me. Especially in time of pandemic such as today, the statement resonates even more. What else I can do beside writing? I will ask.
However, different than Jackie who were the best in her field, I am not even very good at writing. Isn’t it funny? This is the only thing I can do best, and yet I am not even that good at it. I joined this writing club when I was still in college. I found many talented people whose stories were unique and strong. At that time, I haven’t felt as discourage as today. I just liked to write even though my writing was not special. Until I am not sure when, I got more and more bad feeling about writing, until I stopped. Not for good because I still write occasionally. But I know I have lost my faith in it and I have stopped wanting to be a writer. I am struggling to finish my writing. Even if I do, I don’t like it. Writing is the only thing I can do, but I find it hard to do. So I guess, it’s not for me, right?
But here is the most funny part. During this Covid-19 outbreak with nothing much to do after the company I worked was forced to take a break, I found myself come back to it. As hard as it seems, I have to build a routine. But more importantly, I need to work on something once in awhile. If the result is good, I’ll get happiness as a bonus. I try cooking to entertain myself from boredom. Also, I want to try something new. But on the daily basis, writing is what come into my mind. It’s familiar, and even though I’m pressured by my own perfectionism to be good at it, I often find a relief in doing so. It feels good getting things done, especially from doing the things you like, and i like writing. Writing might not always a joyful process, but it’s still nice.
Here’s what I just learnt:
1. Don’t quit just because you are failed or dissatisfied with the result. Though I do believe in some cases, we have to learn how to quit when we have to. But it’s a whole different story so I won’t get into it here.
2. Because if you don’t quit and keep trying with different approach and ideas, there’s a chance you’ll get a good result, and that would be a joyful experience you can always keep even during your darkest moment. Also, it will boost your self confidence over time.
3. I’m struggling with insecurity, so probably not the best person to talk about it. But I do understand, whilst we all have insecurity issue, easily give in to that all the time will get us nowhere and have no one. Life is bigger than my insecurity. So, I might as well face it, then show me.
